‘Tis the Season
- Mike Fisher
- Mar 16, 2021
- 16 min read
“If this is your idea of Christmas then I gotta be here for New Years.”
- Argyle
As a precursor, the two Xmas articles should be shorter. Of course I say this, but as is a running joke around me, that doesn’t mean they will be short.
This is not because Christmas doesn’t mean anything to me, but rather I’m not always sure how to characterize that. This year brought on a new perspective as it’s the first time I wasn’t able to be back in Canada with my parents, sister and family. So while I typically have a series of traditions that I run through, this year the focus was developing new ones. It’s a transition that everyone goes through so I’m not going to try and make it more epic than it needs to be, but considering it was a forced decision I thought perhaps it would come with wrinkles. However, when the season started and my partner flew down to be with me, it is surprising how fluid the transition ended up being. To be honest, I bet it was harder for my family as they were at home, where they normally would be, but they had to juggle all Covid related questions about how much they should try and do - and what would be irresponsible. I got to have a Christmas that was completely different to anything I had done before, which means I didn’t have anything that even resembled a Christmas I had experienced before EXCEPT, I had movies.
I think most movie enthusiasts have a Christmas rolodex of movies they NEED to see before it feels like Christmas, assuming they choose to celebrate. So this is where you may expect me to unroll my list and explain why each has value. However, this isn’t true for me. I have ones I like more than others, but I end up typically being absorbed into other people’s movie traditions by choice. I actively like being around others who are watching their “Christmas movie”. My sister seems to have more staples in her pre-Christmas regime, so when I fly in, I try to catch at least one or two of those. Similarly, I like to catch a couple with my parents, however, they enjoy as much Christmas before the day as possible so I do pace myself there. I don’t think I’ve ever seen White Christmas unless I was next to my parents, and I’m not sure I ever will. So I guess as traditions go, that’s about as close as I get.
Holiday movies end up acting like sports teams, except more personal. You don’t geographically inherit a Christmas favorite, but they are passed on. Yet, in everyone’s life, they are tasked with choosing which ones resonate and which ones you will let go. Some are old traditionalists who will defend their movie as diligently as their team who hasn’t had a winning season in years. Others are more fickle and will adjust to what’s newer or trendier. This is why the old man in me wants to advocate for National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation even though I haven’t seen it in years. I watched it so many times as a kid, I actually don’t know if I would laugh anymore if I did. So instead, when looking at which movies I wanted to catch up with, I was more open to this being an organic process. With my partner around, which movies meant more to her? With streaming services making certain movies more easily redible, what was I able to get that didn’t involve me using less than legal methods? And ultimately, was there really anything I wanted to catch back up with that I hadn’t given time to in recent years as I rarely choose these for myself. I feel like I’m loyal enough with my sports fandom, maybe it’s time I went shopping for a new Christmas favorite.
In a more modern context this has changed by straight up flooding the market as Hallmark and now all major streamers have done their due diligence in filling their services with enough cookie cutter movies to fill November and December. I’ll get to those in the next submission as I’ve divided my write up into two sections. So let’s put a pause in that conversation and revisit that notion when I get to part II of my Christmas movie adventure. I should also mention though, I avoided the very traditional Christmas choices. I figured this was an odd year, so I’ll save White Christmas, Christmas Carol, It’s a Wonderful Life and all those for the next time I make it back to Canada.
In the meantime, here is what I went with for part I:
Notable Names:
Everyone in Great Britain except Helen Mirren and Benedict Cumberbatch
Why am I watching it?:
This is probably the closest thing to a movie I do try to catch up with once a year, which is Actually odd as I have so many problems with it and will go out of my way to criticize it whenever it comes up in conversation. Yet, every time that ending rolls around and the little girl starts singing, I end up feeling all the holiday feels. Maybe I don’t Actually like the movie, but just like Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You”?
Was Left Wanting More:
My harsh criticisms of this movie all stem from the notion that there isn’t much evidence of legitimate love in this movie. I’m not alone here, nor is this viewpoint super counter culture. Just one example from Claire McNear is a more light way of approaching this, but there are a ton out there to occupy your time if you wish. I enjoy this viewpoint though as it connects with what I’m left wanting more of, which is an explanation of what happens once the movie stops. How many are actually built to last? This led me to want to rank the success rates of the couples. Here is my best shot (excuse me excluding some of the lighter “relationships” but I’m not buying that random British guy goes into the heartland and just can’t help but find attractive women that can’t resist him. I”ve been to some of these cities and they aren’t all that friendly to foreigners)
8 - Karen and Harry (Rickman and Thompson): Pretty sure they either end the movie divorced or at best they are “staying together for the kids”. Mia will sell the jewelry and use leverage for a promotion by year’s end.
7 - Peter, Juliet & Mark (Ejiofor, Knightley and Lincoln): No way this doesn’t blow up soon. The two don’t leave it alone at Christmas which just leads to a volatile start for the married couple. So many marriages end in divorce, and those are the ones that aren’t immediately sabotaged by the best man.
6 - Sarah and Karl (Linney and Santoro): Even with brother Michael in a full care facility, Sarah couldn’t make it work. But now that the die is cast, there will for sure be another party or event when this seems like a good idea again. So they never fully date, but I see more promise here than the previous two.
5 - Sam and Joanna (the kids): They are kids…. So their “successful relationship” is hard to gage. They do whatever version of dating is for kids, then they stop but mostly because they are kids.
4 - Natalie and David (McCutcheon and Grant): An outside shot I suppose, but likely this dies off when she says something else that gets him in trouble politically. Everyone can get behind a love story, but only for so long. Then he will choose his political career over her and she gets to be famous by writing a tell all book. Everyone wins… but not actually.
3 - Jamie and Aurelia (Firth and Moniz): Even money here. They will be engaged for a while and, who knows? Maybe they learn enough of each other's language to sort it out. Can’t imagine them having a legitimate conversation about children, mortgages or anything that is around the corner - but again - who really knows? Crazy that this is the third best relationship in the movie and they barely speak to each other the entire movie.
2 - John and Judy (Freeman and Page): They have good conversation, they don’t seem to mind doing seedy things for money, they have already seen each other naked and seem cool with it and they still want to date each other in the end. They might just have staying power. Strongest hetro-normative relationship in the movie.
1 - Billy Mack and Joe (Nighy and Fisher): They have been with each other forever and despite insulting each other and having a massive power imbalance circumstance to overcome, as Nighy puts it in the end, Joe is the fucking love of his life.
Could Have Used Less:
This one comes down to two choices for me. The aforementioned guy going to America to sleep with soon to be/used to be famous people OR the lack of clear reckoning with the infidelity story line. For the US dream sequence, I’m not sure exactly what is meant to be happening there. Making fun of the US? Of the perceived viewpoint of teenaged UK boys about the US? Women in general? What is more fascinating is thinking of who had the best career of the five after this came out. The two “bigger stars” in Denise Richards and Shannon Elizabeth were probably bottom two after the fact. Ivana Milicevic had Banshee and a ton of cameos, so I think that puts her third. But it’s a coin toss between January Jones and Elisha Cuthbert. Jones has Mad Men and then does one decent Xmen movie, but even more impressingly doesn’t do any of the bad ones that follow, whereas Cuthbert is just about to do her Old School & Girl Next Door run. It probably goes to Cuthbert as she follows that with a couple of TV series that were on longer than I thought in Happy Endings and The Ranch. She’s also a Canadian that has married a hockey player, which has to count I suppose. As for the cheating Alan Rickman, I didn’t want more of them, hense them being here, but I do think they were essential to the movie. However, I just wouldn’t have minded a bit less ambiguity at the end. I’m sure this has been explained since, but I shouldn’t have to read Wikipedia to know he is now living in a van down by the river.
This One Was Just Right:
The level of which they explained the interweaving of the stories. It was not the best part of the movie, so just seeing them at the end without a huge focus worked for me. That’s all I needed.
Random Asides/Nit Picks:
I mention this in a movie a bit further down this list, but it’s a kick back for a movie to lean into random nudity. Not saying it was good, bad or indifferent, it just seems like if this was made now, a studio would be more worried about a harsh rating and losing a young audience. I actually enjoy that perspective although I guess you can also say that’s more a representation of it being British as they don’t seem to care as much.
Of a movie with fantastic casting Billy Bob as the dick head US President might be the best call. Rewatching it though, the MeToo of all the Natalie stuff and abuse of power has a uniquely modern feel to it as it does seem to be as commonplace but also handled in the way that we are led to believe it would be during that era. So while it doesn’t age well in what happened, it certainly seems authentic in how things play out. Both in that the woman is the one being assaulted yet also the one fired. It does make it a bit odd when she and the PM hook up later though. Also, an American Pres being an absolute ass has aged disturbingly well. As to is the reaction from Britain's general public to a leader who stands up to him.
Each story having a unique score is spot on. I didn’t notice that the first time around but it’s a nice touch.
You can tell it was made by a man even down to the tattoo choice of the Portugese maid when she jumps in the water, or more, kind of belly flops in.
Liam Neason is occasionally problematic, but he wears the shit out of a sweater.
Ranking:
I’m not as crazy about this as others, but I do probably like it more than most Christmas movies. I’ll go with 5 awkward divorces following this movie out of 7.
Notable Names:
Kate Winslet, Cameron Diaz, Jude Law, Jack Black, Nancy Myers, Eli Wallach
Why am I watching it?:
I had never seen it and when Netflix was asked to show me Christmas movies and this one came up, the fact I had never seen it apparently meant it was going to happen.
Was Left Wanting More:
Kate Winslet and Eli Wallach. Would have been a crazy bold choice to have something between them, but they had the best chemistry in this movie. I guess it would have only perpetuated the stigma that Winslet was dealing with at the time as she was, and is insanely talented, but not always as statuesque to get some of the roles she should have. Case in point. Diaz gets Law, she gets Jack Black. He isn’t really that funny or charming here either. They definitely have a brother - sister vibe. Give me the old dude and her as they actually had a spark.
Could Have Used Less:
Pushing neurotic on Diaz’s character. She didn’t need to be. She went through a bad break up and wanted a change. She met a guy with a tragic backstory and a young family. She is a perfectionist, I guess, but what else is really needed here. It wasn’t believable so why not just dump it and say she is going through a destructive faze due to her career and personal crossroads. I think that would have been doable for Diaz and her range and wouldn’t have involved a massive rewrite. It’s either that, or recast it.
This One Was Just Right:
The balance of the two stories seemed about right. Just as I was getting tired of one, they flipped. And enough happened in each to keep me interested, but not too much that it seemed unrealistic. The Winslet-Black attraction seemed more out of circumstance as it was a bit half baked, but since I didn’t buy it - that actually worked for me.
Random Asides/Nit Picks:
Did they make her character not be able to cry because she can’t as an actress? It feels like I’m just piling on her and I don’t mean to. I do think she is the weakest actor of the big four, but she is still charismatic enough to pull off most things she does (with some obvious exceptions). I was just thinking when she started crying that it looked like she was just shot in the face with a squirt gun to get that tear, so I thought maybe it was crafty writing.
It’s odd that I had never seen this, but as soon as we started watching it I felt I had. I guess that’s a key to Christmas movies.
Where does this rank on the all time awkward end of the movie, “let’s dance to show all is well and we all like each other” sequences. The truth is, I bet (with minimal research) that they did have a great time on set and all four seem to have reputations that are fairly positive. I’m betting if they just got them drunk and let them at it, the shots would have been great. But again, I don’t think sexual chemistry is easy to fake and while they get along, any time they couple up, they lose me. I’m clearly the only one though as this seems to be huge on other people's lists. I guess I’m the problem.
Law and the kids could be a spin off all to itself. Although he lays it on thick with some of the cutesiness… but it still somehow works.
Ranking:
It’s for sure re-watchable. But for me, it doesn’t work as well as others so I would need a push to get me there. I will hate this as when I compare it to others getting this mark, I’m sure I’ll cringe, but I’ll go with 4.5 trailer voices in my head out of 7.
Notable Names:
Reece Witherspoon, Vince Vaughn, then a bunch of smaller roles that are go from memorable to .. oh yeah (notably, Duvall, Favreau, Spacek, Steenburgen, Voight, Yoakam, McGraw, Chenoweth)
Why am I watching it?:
This was one that I watched years ago with my sister as I think she put it as one of her Christmas go-tos. Then I heard from two other people that it was on their yearly hit list, so I went for it.
Was Left Wanting More:
Chemistry. I would have loved this if they were friends who were supposed to pretend they were in a relationship to appease their parents. That would have been great. I had not read that they hated each other during filming before I watched it the first time, but wow, I could tell. Witherspoon is very talented, but she couldn’t hide her disdain. They seemed like being physically close was the hardest part of filming.
Could Have Used Less:
I do appreciate that the purpose of this is to be over the top when it comes to some of the family events, but there were a couple that seem hard to mend. I liked some of the physical comedy, but not all of it. Draw a line somewhere and flush out the real reason this resonates: because we all have moments when we are caught off guard by how much some of our relatives don’t know us.
This One Was Just Right:
I always want more Vaughn, but in this case I was ok with it. I think the nativity scene gave me all I could handle, so even though it was followed by a few heart-to-hearts, I am good with him here.
Random Asides/Nit Picks:
This movie is exactly what you think it is. If it’s on, I’ll watch it. If it’s not, I don’t know that I will choose it. I really like so many people in this movie, but the chemistry kills it for me.
Ranking:
4 boxes they had Witherspoon stand on so the height difference seemed remotely manageable, out of 7.
Notable Names:
Macaulay Culkin, Joe Pesci, Daniel Stern, Catherine O’Hara
Why am I watching it?:
This one has been a while. I probably haven’t seen this in over 20 years… at least. But I loved it as a kid and needed a kick start to the season.
Was Left Wanting More:
Remorse. He just wished away/destroyed his family. Not actually obviously, but in his mind, he just made his family disappear. I think a bit of remorse may have been in the cards. When he first thinks of this his eyebrows dance and then he runs around the house doing all the kid stuff you would expect from someone who was left alone while his parents went out for the night. I don’t mind that he would get to this point eventually, but the lack of emotion I guess just sets us up for the sociopathic behaviour we see for the rest of the movie.
Could Have Used Less:
What do the Wet Bandits think there is any kind of treasure in this house? It is a nice place and all, but what could be there that is worth all that effort? And moreover, what do Kevin’s parents do for a living other than have an annoying family? This was a plot line I could have gone without. I don’t have a replacement off the top of my head, but give me a week and money and I’m sure I could have sorted this out.
This One Was Just Right:
The amount of entitlement the McCallisters have when trying to fly back from Paris was on par with most stereotypes that the French have against the Americans. There was enough context to justify the behavior and the reactions to both sides here, so in my mind, they got this part just right.
Random Asides/Nit Picks:
Uncle Frank is an ass.
I don’t mind movies that have so many clear plot holes that they don’t even bother explaining any of them. No way in a family this size everyone oversleeps and that morning just doesn’t play out like that. But again, at the end of the day, that’s just one of probably 100 things that are implausible. So you either lean into it or you don’t.
I don’t know that I would have jumped on the bed, but ice cream, movies and sledding down the stairs would have been high on the list of things I would do if solo at that age.
Was a young Eli Roth inspired by this? Moreover, can we just take a second to recognize that Kevin is a legit sociopath who probably does horrible things in his adult life. He is nice to the neighbour in his conversation with him in the church - and I think that’s it. Every other comment and action is selfish or mean spirited. Home Alone was the first torture porn style movie that just ignored the gore.
Ranking:
I would say endlessly rewatchable, except I don’t have any desire to see it any time soon. Yet, if it was on, I would probably stay and pay attention. So to stick with my previous ranking then, 4.5 Joe Pesci burnt scalps out of 7.
Notable Names:
Bruce Willis, Alan Rickman and I guess Reginald VelJohnson, but mostly because you can’t see him without thinking of Carl Winslow.
Why am I watching it?:
Since we are all friends here and likely no one has continued reading this far, I’ll admit something pretty astonishing: I had never seen Die Hard all the way through. Scenes - yes. Probably all of them at some point - yes. But never start to finish. It was time to end that.
Was Left Wanting More:
Actual German. When they speak to each other it should be exclusively in German as it is literally their central advantage. No reason why they clarify things in English. Of course that also means that subtitles would have been nice on all German sentences
Could Have Used Less:
Emphasis on the renegade cop killing foreigners. I get it wasn’t on the tip of conversation back in 88, but it’s pretty glaring now.
This One Was Just Right:
It’s hard to objectively see a movie that you know has such a massive following but is going to be clearly both flawed and influential. While watching this I was reminded of this being such a huge mold for action movies over the next 20-25 years. And that’s for better and worse. So I guess, the tempo, the atmosphere and the central characters (McClane and Gruber) are just right as we have been celebrating them for years.
Random Asides/Nit Picks:
Guns in an airplane seemed so odd to watch, but I’m betting it wasn’t even a consideration when filming. The movie is old, but things like that make it feel ancient.
Germans and Japanese being the worst. You can really tell the 90’s haven’t happened yet.
Action movies like this would always find a contrived reason to have a quick scene with nudity. This has faded over time and I guess that’s for the best considering all the horrible stories you hear about casting. However, I would have preferred if that was the reason they cut them rather than the actual reason of not wanting to lose money on a rating. Every time I see 80’s action nudity I think of how much studio interference there is in movies today and it kind of makes me sad.
So much has been made of Alan Rickman, yet this is still an underrated performance. So many bad guy tropes come from this movie and this performance. I could watch his scenes on repeat for hours.
I think I could write a comprehensive thesis paper on McClane versus Rocky as white guy savior tropes. I don’t even mean that as a slight, but rather a compliment. These guys were the 80’s heroes that we still celebrate (mostly) for a reason.
Of all the classic lines, I don’t know why, “That was Gary Cooper asshole” didn’t catch on.
It was great to watch Bruce Willis in a role where he was trying again. It’s been a while.
Ranking:
People who hate Die Hard will say I’m over shooting and going with the rhetoric. People who love Die Hard will say I’m not giving a classic it’s due. Lucky for me, I don’t really care about either camps. Solid movie that I would rewatch and enjoyed but that’s as far as it goes for me. 5 shards of glass in the foot of McClane out of 7.
Grading Scale:
1 = No attempt or so bad it can’t be defined
2 = Failure, but at least you tried. May actually be worse than a legit effort
3 = Barely passable. You’re kinda close but you’re actually not.
4 = Passing grade. Nothing else to see here.
5 = Good all around. Tougher to get than you think, but no one seems happy when they get it. It means you tried, and you are just not exceptional. BUT.. you’re still good..
6 = Outstanding. Exceptional in at least a few ways. This is either all around excellence or just insanely strong in one or two vital ways.
7 = Top of the line. Transcendent. I will rewatch this consistently, or I have already.
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